Lord of the Deals

    Lord of the Deals

A Black (Friday) Comedy



     "WHOOOF!!"  A startled burst of chilly air shot from parted lips, slicing through the deep layers of darkness and the brilliant azure hues of the night sky with frozen white wisps. "Oh Gosh!"  A young girl blinked tightly against the sting of the nighttime air. Her small nose crinkled as she shook her head briskly from side to side. "Nobody ever told me it was going to be this cold outside…!"
      After pausing a moment to relish the last fleeting moments in the heat, the shadowy silhouette reluctantly slunk from the passenger seat of a well-loved cerulean clunker. While she slammed the car door shut, a gentle wind playfully danced around her and kissed her ashen cheeks. The girl gave a small shudder and pulled the thick, downy scarf in close.


Text Message Sent November the 25th at 11:42 PM
      Hey Mom. I know you're sleeping but I'm just texting to say we got to the store all right; even with Stacey driving like this is the last shoe sale on earth. Yes, Mom, I will remember to only buy the book I came for and nothing else. You remember the one? Something about… flies? I'm not even sure what it's supposed to be about, but it sounds pretty boring. Oh well, I guess I'll deal with it since it's for my English class. And one more thing- it's freaking freezing out here! I know you'll say you told me so, but I'm so glad you talked me into wearing this coat. …Even if it does make me look like an overstuffed marshmallow.  Well, ttyl.
-Jennifer


      As the girl stuffed her cell phone back into her coat pocket, suddenly a long, shapely leg slid slowly from the driver's seat. The bare skin was smooth as cream, scarcely covered by the luxurious black frills that fluttered around wildly in the wind. Fiery red stilettos tapped onto the pavement with a quiet click.
      "What else were you expecting in the middle of November, Jennifer?" scoffed the smooth voice.  
      "Me, I was hoping for some good old global warming…"
     The figure glided from the driver's seat and out onto the asphalt with the natural grace of a dancer. This friend, an older teen than Jennifer, flipped her voluptuous red hair over her shoulder with a flick of her head. Her gleaming white teeth flashed the night with a bright, joyous smile. "Let's hurry up guys; we better go grab a spot before the line gets too long!"
    "Isn't it a little late for that?" Jennifer eyed the packed parking lot. Unfortunately she could barely even see the parking lot- they were actually parked at a bowling center a couple hundred yards away.
      "Oh, I've seen much worse. You don't even know the half of it. This year is going to be a breeze compared to last year." Jennifer shivered at the very thought of breezes. "God, I'm so excited for you, Jen!" Stacey exclaimed as she hugged her fluffy coat and bounced on her heels. "You're finally growing out of those weird old books and into the world of shopping! Trust me. Your first time Black Friday shopping is going to be great. After this, you'll be begging me to drive you and your little friends here every year!" The woman suddenly seized her friend in a bear hug, unintentionally mashing the girl's face into her oversized chest.  "This is going to be so much fun!"
      "Mmmff!"
       Emerging from the back of the car, a young boy whose face seemed to be struggling to the surface in a sea of multiple chins absently pushed his drooping glasses up the bridge of his pale nose with two pudgy fingers in a habitual, half-conscious movement. The boy's soft eyes lifted slowly to the dim horizon. He gave a small start. "Oh no! Would you look at that line!" His hand-knit gloves nervously fiddled together. "It's wrapping around the other side of the building already. I can't even see the end of it! M-Maybe we should come back tomorrow when it's not so crowded…"
      "Of course not!" snorted the older teenager, suddenly releasing her suffocating victim. "If we did that, all the good stuff would be gone by the time we got there!"
         The boy stared blankly into her narrowed hazel eyes.
        "The stores don't open at one in the morning just any old day!"
         The boy slowly blinked.
        "Come on! Black Friday, Harold!" Finally the frustrated teen's hands flew up into the cold air in exasperation. She whirled around to Jennifer for support. "Jen. Help me out here. He obviously doesn't understand how VASTLY, LIFE-ALTERINGLY important it is to go shopping TODAY. As in… right now!"
       The young girl scratched her neck sheepishly. "Yeah… Stacey. You know, about that…"
        "Oh come on, you two." The teen took up a brisk pace, her heels clicking on the asphalt with each step. The younger two scrambled after her as she began to speak again. "The deals are to die for!"



Text Message Sent November the 26th at 12:38 AM
        Hi. Sorry for texting you again, Mom. I'm just getting really bored and have nothing else to do. We've been standing here for ages. At least we've been able to talk with the people waiting around with us. They seem pretty nice. We've been telling silly jokes and complaining about the wait with each other, so it passes the time. Everyone is laughing and having fun. (…Stacey seems to be having a lot of fun- she keeps flirting with some guy in the group behind us...) You know, it doesn't seem like people like these could be the people in the stories I've heard. They're just normal people just like us. I can hardly believe these normal people could act like the ones in the horror stories you've told me. So anyway, I'm still waiting in line. Ttyl.
-Jennifer


Text Message Sent November the 26th at 1:23 AM
        It's past opening time. Still not in yet. It's driving me crazy how slow the line is moving. The doors are open now, but they only let people inside in groups. I'm not too worried about the book, though. I don't think a million people are going to want some book about flies so they probably won't run out. Btw, Harold say hi.
-Jennifer


Text Message Sent November the 26th at 1: 40 AM
lol, hi Jens mom. were in line still. Its borin hre. how r u? :3 im Stacey, btw. ne way, I g2g. ttyl, kk? Lol ^^
        … I'm sorry, Mom. That was Stacey. She says hi. …I'll give you the translation later…


Text Message Sent November the 26th at 2:02 AM
     We finally got inside the store. Wow. You should see it, Mom. It's unbelievably crowded in here! Nobody can turn around without bumping into someone or stepping on someone's toes. What's could make this even more fun, you ask? I get to be the lucky one pushing the cart. It'd be hard enough without it. I'm trying to be nice and not run into people with it, but other customers keep taking advantage of me. I'm thinking about how funny it'd be to ram into people with this cart like a bulldozer... Poor Harold. He keeps saying 'excuse me' every time he bumps into someone. Ha! He's saying that so often that I think his voice will be sore in the morning. Stacey, though, is having a blast. She's grabbing everything she can get her hands on. Apparently she's gotten some good deals on some clothes, though. By the way- I keep trying to find back ways to go down and I keep running into these barriers and having to backtrack. Isn't that weird? They've got barriers and policemen here. I didn't expect that.
-Jennifer


Text Message Sent November the 26th at 3:57 AM
      I've been stuck behind this family for like, an hour now. They're going so slowly and they will not let me by. Their kids are screaming for toys. They keep stopping at random places, too. It's driving me crazy! I tried to be patient with them, but we're still only in like, the middle of the store. Whose idea was it to hide all the books in the VERY BACK, anyway?? And then we have to get Harold's video game, of course. Stacey wants to run all over the place, too. She'd buying so much stuff. I guess I don't blame her, there are some really good deals, but she's literally grabbing things off shelves and fighting with people over stuff. I think we're all getting a bit testy…


Text Message Sent November the 26th at 4:46 AM
       I don't think I'm ever going to get out of here. It's been hours… We haven't even got the books yet. No one's going anywhere. Everything's at a standstill. The people, too… Stacey's actually fighting with people over clothes. I keep trying to stop her, but everyone around is doing it, too. They grab stuff from our cart. They shout and shove. People are shoving me around, too. Hands everywhere, snatching and pushing… They're behaving like animals! God! I wish I never came! Right now I just want to get this over with! Harold keeps telling me we'll be home soon, but I'm starting to think we'll be here all night…..


Text Message Sent November the 26th at 6:10 AM
       I don't even want the stuff anymore. I'm srry, Mom. I can bearely text. People shoving into me.  Everyone's so angry about the lines,.  People are shouting. I just want to leave, butt peole are in the way. StCY KEEPS SHOVNG ME. NO ONe is going anywhere. They buy buy buy everything they can grab. I just want to go home!


Text Message Sent November the 26th at 9:24 AM
       It's been hours….. Hours….. Harold thinks something's wrong with this place. Very wrong with this place…. I think so, too. I don't think it's supposed to be like this. We're all stuck here. The barriers… They stop us. There SO MANY PEOPLE it just blows one's mind. We're elbow to elbow like mindless cattle. We can't shove through. Where are the policemen…? Where…? Everyone is starting to panic. I want to go home, Mom. I don't care about the books anymore. But we can't get out. We're in the back of store. What's going on in front? Why won't people let us out??


Text Message Sent November the 26th at 12:02 PM
      Harold managed to find a granola bar in his bag. I was getting so hungry. No food here. No one else is giving us any. WHY? How could anyone be that inhumane? Are we turning into animals so quickly?? Stacey wanted the bar all to herself but Harold said we should share. I thought so, too. So we shared it with the people around us. I think something might be wrong with Stacey. She's acting strange. I'm getting so tired. I will try to sleep. It will be hard. I'm feeling claustrophobic- these aisles and all these people closing in around me are suffocating me.


Text Message Sent November the 27th at 2:04 AM
      Christmas music. All day, all night. You have no idea what it's like to hear 'Jingle Bells' this often. It's driving me insane. Same station. Same songs every hour. This WHOLE TIME. Turned up loud. I'M LOSING MY MIND- MAKE THIS OBNOXIOUS MUSIC STOP!!


Text Message Sent November the 28th at 4:05 PM
       GOD. DAYS AND DAYS AND DAYS AND DAYS!!! WHY DOESN'T SOMEONE HELP US WHERE ARE THE POLICE, MOM YOU'VE GOT TO CALL THE POLICE. THEY COULD DO SOMETHING. ARE WE ALL ALONE IN THIS STORE I THINK WE ARE ALL ALONE. NO ONE ELSE BUT US. IT COULD HAVE BEEN A DESERT ISLANDS THAT AT LEAST HAD SOME COCONUTS BUT NOOOOOOOOOO WERE TRAPPED IN A STORE FOR GODS SAKE!!!!!!

Text Message Sent November the 28th at 10:38 PM
     We're all getting so hungry. I want to, but I can't help anybody. I don't have anything to give them. WHY DID WE HAVE TO GET STUCK IN THE TUPPERWARE AISLE? What the HELL can I do with all this USELESS TUPPERWARE?!?!?!?


Text Message Sent November the 29th at 3:49 AM
       We found a use for the Tupperware. We have a system now... a beautiful system… Before it, everyone was shouting and panicking and didn't know what to do anymore but now we pass around the Magical Tupperware Container and each person gets a turn to speak. It's so nice. It makes me happy to know there's still logic and sanity in this insane asyl
OH NO. THEY BROKE IT. MOM, THEY JUST BROKE THE MAGIC TUPPERWARE CONTAINER. Well, they almost did- it's one of those unbreakable kinds, but still- THEY THREW IT ON THE FLOOR. No…. These people are going crazy. Crazy, no really. Theyre hungry. Theyre tired. They want out. Todd and I stick together. We keep telling stories and jokes pass time. To keep us sane. We try to keep people calm. Still, people arent calm. Some of them dont want to listen to us. They push over displays. Theyre stealing things. I think this place is doing something to them. Making them crazy. Theyre panicking. I have to keep from panicking. We all have to keep from panicking.


Text Message Sent November the 30th at 7:51 AM
         No. No. Bad things are happening, Mom. Terrible things. Stacey joined them. Them. The tribe of BUY ONE GET ONE FREE. That's what they call themselves, the crazy ones. The ones that shove and steal and scream all day. The wild ones who ignore the rules of the store. She went to their side. I lost my friend to their MINDLESSNESS. Theyre crazy. They want out so bad they want to shove their way through and trample people. Theyre armed with shopping carts, designer t-shirts, and bad attitudes! Harold and I try to stop them. We try to use logic. To reason. But they dont care who gets hurts anymore. They want to raid the tribe of the freezer section. They have all the food and theyre hoarding it. Im so hungry but I keep trying to talk them out of it. Some listen to Harold and I. Some havent lost every shred of sanity yet.


Text Message Sent November the 30th at 9:28 AM
        "EVERYTHING IS HALF OFF! EVERYTHING IS HALF OFF! EVERYTHING IS HALF OFF!" they chant all day and all night long until I think Im going crazy, too. There are so many of them now. So many of them. Theyre animals. They've all gone crazy. They did it. They tied together all their tube tops and made a rope, then they climbed over the WALL, THE WALL, THE WALL. They got into the cosmetics aisle. Im so sorry. So sorry. I followed them only because I have to. I'm so hungry too. We need that food so badly. But theyre crazy. They got into the cosmetics. The makeup- they smeared it on their faces like war-paint. Mascara, lipstick, all of it. THE HUMANITY!!  oh god. They whoop and holler for the blood of the freezer tribe. They hoarded the food, all the food. NO. No. I tried to tell them this is wrong. We should wait for the police to rescue us but they wont listen to me anymore. THEY WONT LISTEN TO ME, MOM. Harold keeps screaming at them to stop. They want to use his glasses to start a fire. I have no idea why the Hell they want to do that, Mom! That has nothing to do with ANYTHING! I am scared. So scared


Text Message Sent December the 1st at 6:25 PM
         I… I can smell the ham…. I can smell the pork…. THEY LIVE ON AN ISLAND OF DELI MEATS. An ISLAND of MEATS. They have all the food….. All the food and I'm SO HUNGRY, MOM.  


Text Message Sent December the 2nd at 2:17 AM
        That BITCH. Stacey. She was wearing EDIBLE UNDERWEAR and she never even told me. She ATE HER UNDERWEAR ALL BY HERSELF AND DIDN'T EVEN SHARE WITH ME. That heartless bitch.


Text Message Sent December the 3rd at 7:28 PM
       OH GOD- THEYRE TRYING TO EAT HAROLD!!! THEYRE TRYING TO EAT HAROLD, MOM!!!  JUST BECAUSE HES A FAT KID!  jUST BECAUSE HE LOOKS LIKE A PIG AND HIS THIGHS.. JUST CUZ THEYRE SO PLUMP AND HIS THICK… JUICY.. CALVES…… .. ….. .. NO!  No, calm down…. Stop them…. Not Harold... Stay sane….


Text Message Sent December the 3rd at 11:40 PM
       We're doing it…. We're doing it… first we pelt them with Tupperware TO DISTRACT THEM yes yes yes then we-we…. I don't know, we tie them up with the garden hoses and then we strangle them with pantyhose…. Yes, yes, the pantyhose… heheHehEhHeee! Then we GET ALL THEIR DELICIOUS MEATS AND JUCIES. YES YES YES..! I can smell it now…  Push the carts! Ram the walls with the shopping carts! Grab the gift wrap and the greeting cards, cut them and tie them up with bows and JINGLE BEELS JINGLE BELLS HO HO HO HO HO!!!!


Text Message Sent December the 4th at 6:50 PM
      YES! YES! WE DID IT WE DID IT WE DID IT! G2G DEAR MOMMY, MEATS AND WATER AND FRUITS AND LIFE!
      ...
      …..
      …. …… …..
I'm so sorry. So sorry… Lord forgive me. Mom… They… No….. I mean to say 'we…' We…. We attacked the wall like animals. The food… so shiny…. So delicious…. So… So…. But… but….
     WE PUSHED THE AISLE OVER AND CRUSHED HAROLD UNDER A TERRIBLE WALL OF STRAWBERRY POPTARTS!!

mommy forgive me
damn those poptarts
my best friend
he was so nice so smart so
but the poptarts
they were…. Delicious

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