Lol, doing a manga style comic, huh? Sounds fun! ^^ I suppose I'll give ya some advice for the future when you do some more of it! (I draw Western style comics, but I've been doing it for years and years, so hopefully I'll have some good advice for ya!)
Alrighty, for one, I suggest doing some good panels. Panels can be tough because you draw the box the picture goes in before you draw the actual picture. Kinda tough. You have to judge how big of a space you're going to need before you draw the box. (Otherwise you can resize it on the computer, but that's a bit more challenging.) So drawing comics involves a bit of planning. Ask yourself "How many panels do I need on this page? How big should they be? What shape will they be in, squares, rectangles, etc.?
Break up your action into panels to make it more understandable to the audience. This picture has a heck of a lot going on. Sword, guy on cliff shooting arrows, guy riding a giant dragon, cactus, another creature. I suggest breaking it up into panels, doing a big panel to show where the characters are standing, then do smaller panels to show action. For example, draw a big panel showing the guy riding a dragon. Then a little one showing a hand holding a bow and arrow (Huh? Who is holding that bow and arrow..?) Then do another one zoomed out to show it's a guy on a cliff holding the bow. (Oh! Oh no, look out!) Then show the arrow flying through the air, lots of action lines. (Oh nooo!!!) Then show it hitting the dragon, maybe do a shot of the dragon's face looking angry and surprised. (Uh oh, now you've pissed off a giant dragon!) The do another panel to make it turn and roar, starting to breathe fire at the guy on the cliff, etc, etc, etc. Yeah, just break up the action and it'll be a bit more clear and action-packed.
One thing to remember for the future is that in manga panels and speech bubbles are read right to left, opposite of Western comics' left to right. Something to keep in mind when drawing it.
Also, if you haven't looked them up, I suggest getting to know the symbolism in comics. They can be universal tools to help show things. For example, that a thought balloon is shaped differently than a speech bubble. What a giant sweat drop is supposed to mean. What moving action lines look like versus shaking action lines.
So yeah! That and darken up your lines once again. Confidence!! Darken those suckers, go over them with a pen or push down the pencil harder once you're sure you want it to look that way. Also, crop that edge a little- the audience can tell it's a notebook. Better to cut off the edge so it just looks like a piece of paper. ^^
Hopefully that helped you out! Good luck!
Thanks! I actually do digital ones too! (See "CreationChamber comics" folder in gallery) I'll probably do as you suggested and panel draw them instead as it IS pretty unclear what's happening. Only problem is I don't think I'm great at scaling things, but I guess I could draw things, then upload to my computer and comicify it then! ^^ I'll look in to the symbolism, and darken lines as that seems to be a recurring point, though I can't use pen as it shows faintly through the page. P.s. Thanks for the great critique! P.p.s. You can now vote on my poll: [link]